| 
  • If you are citizen of an European Union member nation, you may not use this service unless you are at least 16 years old.

  • Stop wasting time looking for files and revisions. Connect your Gmail, DriveDropbox, and Slack accounts and in less than 2 minutes, Dokkio will automatically organize all your file attachments. Learn more and claim your free account.

View
 

Peer Reviews for Unit Two by Paul M

Page history last edited by pmassman@... 11 years, 9 months ago

Earl - 

Earl, I think that you always pick good things to write about, your topics are always keep me interested. I think you have the start of another great paper. One thing I might suggest is to elaborate some more on the West Virginia state schools - how is the program working and how is it benefitting the children and teachers involved? Another thing is about the games that are out there, are the dance dance revolution and wii fit game the only ones that are beneficial out there or are other systems and games beneficial? The way that you list how these games are being used to promote aerobic and anaerobic exercise and the benefits are really quite interesting. I can see how the hand-eye coordination paragraph is an essential part of your arguement and would like to see if there are any more benefits than what you have listed and if other systems/games are being used or looked at as promoting good health. Overall a great start Earl, can't wait to see how it progresses.

-Paul  

 

Aldijana -

Aldijana, your paper is going to be an important piece. Sexual predators are a major concern for everyone and I like the way that you use several different types of predators to get your purpose acrossed to us. One thing that I agree with you on is your thesis, it is a little confusing. "These predators make online chats unsafe while committing crimes against under aged children”, the word that is getting me is "while". It seems that instead of saying these predators make online chats unsafe while, maybe something like: Predators make online chats unsafe because they lead to crimes against under aged children. Just a suggestion. I like how you have many examples of predators and how they commit these crimes, it is very informative and it shows you research your topic thoroughly. Another thing I would like to see a little more elaboration about what parents can do to protect their children and monitor their time online alone. I know that there are parental controls from almost every Internet Service Provider and there are also many programs that monitor what is being viewed on a computer and what websites have been visited. That way the parents could monitor the computer and internet activity of their children more thoroughly and take more actions as needed. One last thing is to maybe provide a link to the FBI website leading to the pamphlet that educates the parents on sexual predators. Minor grammatical errors.  Aldijana, a great start to your paper and very interesting topic. Your paper is very informative and well researched.

-Paul

 

Dylan A -

Dylan, I like the way your paper starts out and I didn't know that there was a tie in any all-star game like that before, I thought they always got played til someone won. I think you have the start of a great paper here. It is always interesting to see how these games are scheduled, who's playin in them, and how the different leagues are trying new things to get more support for the games. One thing I have noticed is a few grammatical errors in your piece, I would review it a little more or have someone else proofread it, that's what I try to do. I agree with you on several points in the paper, like when the baseball players have their all-star game there isn't much excitement or interest in it anymore. I think that the recent steroid issue plus the declining economy has a lot to do with people not showing much interest in the all-star games anymore. Besides like you stated, they don't always play the best players in those games. If we are going to spend four hours watching a game, it would be nice to see some effort on their part. Another thing I would work on is your transitions, I know you stated you had a little writer's block in one section. I like the way that you break down different events within each sport and explain about them. I would elaborate on what the different Leagues are trying to do to get people back into watching these games. Overall I think you have a great start to an interesting paper.

Comments (0)

You don't have permission to comment on this page.