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Kristie - Peer Review

Page history last edited by kris_t210@... 12 years, 1 month ago

Unit One

Here is some grades and feedback for my peers:

Great paper Aldijana. You did a great job going over the different ways a child would use the internet. You also did a good job of having a fair presentation of the pros and cons of the Internet and how to make computers work in a positive way overall. The only opportunity I saw was for you to use stronger vocabulary when you want to make a dramatic point. Use the tools available to you to communicate as efficiently as possible and stress different areas of your point. (Ex. You describe bullying as a nasty act, yet do not add a negative description to the possibility of a child being the victim of a sexual predator.)

Overall, you opened your piece with information that caught my attention, presented the positives and negatives of your subject and provided a conclusion. Your information was easy to read and understand. I would say this a well written A paper.


Earl, As I read your paper, I felt as if you were educating me based on your hands on research with this subject. Your information is specific and to the point. The details of your examples not only spell out paint the picture of how it works, but that it actually does work. You not only wrote a great paper and communicated effectively, but sold an idea that I honestly had never thought of. Are you working for Wii and do they employ you to go from nursing home to nursing home to sell their product?

Overall A Paper All the Way!!


Definitional Argument - Paul, Your information is well researched, organized and supported. I was impressed with the specific example you gave about the child who unfortunately died from a simple reenactment of a basic wrestling move. This definitely proves that violence seen on TV does have an overall negative impact on children. Your introduction and conclusion paragraphs are repetitive. Find stronger vocabulary to gain the attention of your audience and close your argument strong. Was the word count enough to satisfy the assignment?  Overall B Paper


Unit Two

Rough Draft Reviews:


I enjoyed speaking with you in class and reviewing your paper together.  Your writing style is clear and straight forward.  Since your audience will include young gamer's parents, you definitely want to include the details of what MMORPG means and go into details about the plots behind some of the games you mention.  You do a great job of explaining the Poke'mon game and how you have traded animals with other countries.  How did this teach you about the other country?  How did this encourage international gaming?  Do you like to trade to and from these other countries?  Have you learned anything about the cultures from these other countries based on the animals you have received via trade?  You have the best point of view for this because it is your point of view.  Expand on that and as Lydia always says, "Read it out loud to make sure it sounds readable."


world of warcraft (Jillian and Kevin)

I like the fact that you two are building on your Unit 1 writing to find a causal argument.  I read what you both had to say and I will follow Michele's lead and make sure to give you both individual feedback and then address you together.

Jillian - You have some great points and the fact that you are playing again will give you some recent real life experience to add to your paper.  I know you are still gathering research about how gaming can be addictive and how to roll World Of Warcraft into that overall data.  Keep pressing on and you will find that "A" Paper for unit Two hiding in the shadows.

Kevin - Just like it did for Dylan Adams, the WMA file threw me off and I was wondering if the file was your actual rough draft.  I also like the fact that you are successfully using the tools that you have readily available to you by gathering the opinions and statements of your students to get data from real players and what their thoughts are.  This keeps things interesting and makes the piece in full realistic and belivable.  As I started to review your information I did not realize that I was reading the opinion of a player. 

Both - You guys have some great data that is extremely relevant to your topic.  It is now p to the two of you to organize it in a way that your audience can move through all this information with ease and smooth transitions.  Being the non gamer, I would suggest that if my kind of reader is your audience, make sure to have a quick terminology reference guide so we can understand the WOW language (Ex. gank, pup, Horde...). 


Dylan and David rough draft

Although I am not a "Gamer" I can relate to the information you have provided in your Unit 2 paper.  I am unclear of what your causal argument is.  Is is that great graphics make great games, or the changes and upgrades keep the fans coming back for more?  You did a great job described a few of the favorite games out there.  This was helpful and honestly made me think about using some of these games as an avenue to take out my own aggression.  Take the time to clean up the vocabulary, smooth out the transitions and clear up what your formal causal argument is and this will be an "A" Paper in no time.


Final Draft Reviews:

Dylan Adams' Final Draft Unit 2 -

I really enjoyed your paper.  I enjoyed the fact that you took the gaming topic to organized games and how they are organized.  I know this is not about grammatical correction, but take a look at this small correction: Also, next year, it will be held in Miami, the same sight at the Super Bowl.  I felt that the topics of each sport transitioned smoothly through each paragraph of your piece.  I know that hockey and soccer are not as popular in America, but I like the fact that you at least touched on each sport.  Do you think that the NFL decided to move the Pro-Bowl closer to home to try to get more fans in the stadium?  I went to the Pro Bowl a few years ago and the stadium was just over half full and was in GREAT need of updates.  I know Hawaii has plans to do some updates to see if they can get the NFL back.  This may have been a quick topic to touch on to get the word count closer to the given expectations.  Overall, this was a well organized paper with an A to B grade.

Nancy and Tracy

By accident, I read your rough draft and your final.  It looks like you guys made a huge improvement.  You took the time to research the different types of surgery and the medical name and common name of the procedures.  This makes the paper easier to read and gives a little education at the same time.  Comparing the different surgeries received by celebrities and how those same surgeries could have a negative effect if people don't take all aspects of the change into effect.  You covered the the medical, mental and emotional effects of the decision to have plastic surgery.  I think your piece was well thought out, well researched and well organized.  You had a clear thesis and a clear causal argument for an overall A Paper.

The Ripple Effect

Wow Lydia, this is an extremely well written and organized piece.  I love the details and really does fit the Causal Argument topic so perfectly.  The story itself was detailed enough that I felt as if I was a fly on the wall as you described the activity and the actions taken.  Although the actual story was an unfortunate one, I enjoyed the fact that you ended the paper on a positive note about how it takes one person to positively effect others and then threw in your personal cause and effect with your hubby.  I would definitely give this a solid A.


Final Project

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